I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
