i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
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I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
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I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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