I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
