I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Are we still banned from the library?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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