His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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