I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
