I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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