mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
