If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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