Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
