So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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