I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
