how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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