His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
