Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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