I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
