the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Sext me about skeletons
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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