Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize
