There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
