He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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