Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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