I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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