I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
