she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
