"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he was CRYING into my vagina
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
