So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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