pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Princesses don't give blow jobs
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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