i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
