I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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