We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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