Im at strip club and am horny
wakey wakey hands off snakey
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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