wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
