That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
