I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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