somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
