These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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