K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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