I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
