The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
