I am spending my child support on dildos
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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