Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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