I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's rum buckets o'clock
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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