I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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