and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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