We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
