Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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