your parents love me but you hate me
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
