How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
