I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
