Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
