I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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