Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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