you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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