found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
