I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Are my feet made of real feet?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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