Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
