I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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